Save Me From Myself

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Save me from myself

Written by Nina Thomas

There’s a hole in my heart

A hole from which anger and pain spill out

A hole I’ve so desperately tried to fill

I’ve stuffed it to the brim with conversations

“hello” and “how are you”

….good

I’ve filled it by fixing my outward appearance

Flat irons and curlers

Mascara and eyeliner

Nail polish

Lipstick

By trying really hard in classes, sometimes

Scheduling every single moment of my life

But the paper stuffing just sags and the pain just pours out

Because the liquid hate rushes out

And I can’t find enough paper fast enough

The paper that is in limited supply

I’m in danger

Danger of drowning in a pool of my own pain

Danger of this spilling over and kneeling over

But no one seems to notice, no one seems to care

And I wonder, how long will my life stay like that

A constant teetering between complacency and deep drowning sadness

It’s time for me to fix this hole.

—–

But “I” cannot

And the harder “I” try, the deeper “I” delve

Until-

I close my eyes and cry out

Abba Father, hear my tears, listen to my pain!

I scream out and someone hears my gurgled call

Then His love sweeps over my pain

The antidote from a broken soul

His love reaches in and pulls out all the paper

His love reaches across and satisfies the unquenchable hole

His love saves me from myself

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Everyone feels sad sometimes

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It feels odd to write down, but it’s so true.  Everyone feels sad sometimes.  I don’t know why I imagine that I am the only person who feels the way I do when I go through rough patches in life.  Sometimes that sadness can seem engulfing and the scariest thing in the world to do is to address what I’m feeling.  The bible says that there is a time for weeping and a time for rejoicing.  But all I want to do is rejoice!

I’m sure that there are lots of people who feel the same way that I do.  I don’t want whatever situation I’m going through to burden others.  I don’t want other people to know that I’m experiencing pain.  And I imagine that everyone really is exactly the way they appear to be on the surface.  But nothing could be farther from the truth.

Absolutely everyone we meet in life is facing his or her own battle.  And this is all the more reason to love and to love like never before.

My mother was the first person to make me realize this.  She told me to be kindest to the people who seemed the meanest.  Because when you stopped and took time to get to know them, it’s like peeling an onion!  There are layers and layers underneath and everyone has a reason for being the way that they are.

In particular she told me there was a woman who she saw daily who seemed to hate her.  It’s so hard to love those who hate us.  The bible can vouch for this fact.  But she told me that when she learned of the pain this woman experienced in her life, she suddenly understood the bitterness.  She understood it instantly.  And her love for this woman was not in vain, now they’re actually really great friends!

The perfect biblical model for this kind of compassion is embodied in the life of Jesus.  He looked at the defects and the outcasts of the world and somehow he chose to love them.  I guess he saw us in a way that we cannot even see ourselves.  It’s funny because sometimes it’s not even people who are putting these labels and ideas on us.  We do it to ourselves.

If there is anyone like me, who is reading this, please know that you’re not alone.  Sometimes I feel so sad tears feel like tiny needles shooting from my eyeballs.  Or so angry that my veins will burst!  Or even so happy and loved that I imagine my happiness is contagious.  We are not our emotions or our temporary feelings.  Feelings change.  And we are never ever really alone, never at all.