Day 28: Something that stresses you out

I find the timing of this post really funny, I have just a week before my math final and it is STRESSING ME OUT!  I think that all finals in general stress me out, but more so its the anticipation and fear.  Really that’s what anything in life really comes down to, fear.

I’m afraid of going for my final and realizing I know nothing.  I’m afraid of finding out whether or not I failed.  And waiting on these things turns me green with anticipation and STRESS!  Oh the stress.

The thing is, fear is crippling.  Fear can hold us back in so many different ways.  When I think back on this week, I’ve turned down at least 4 people I really wanted to spend time with because even if I procrastinate, I feel guilty having fun the week before my final.

It’s really stupid because I end up doing nothing all day anyway.  I just don’t want to allow myself the enjoyment of the company of my friends.

I remember going for my last math final and being so stressed out right before.  The final ended up being CRAZY easy and I passed with flying colors.  But right before I felt like I was going to puke.  All this anticipation was leading up to this one moment and when this moment came I didn’t really know what to do.

Because getting my final wasn’t really an awe inspiring moment.  I got my test, started and finished it like I would any other test.  Only difference was I actually really knew my stuff this time around.

It stresses me out that blackboard isn’t showing my final exam prep videos and that less and less time is there for me to study.  But it’s not until this stress really motivates me that I actually stop messing around and focus.  So I guess in many ways stress can be a really great thing.  It’s an amazing motivator for so many different reasons.

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Day 19: Something you miss

I miss my cousins in India so badly.  I miss my family in India.  I just miss India.  Like I mentioned in my last “30 Day Challenge” post, India is my favorite place to be.

I miss the way being in India makes me feel.  It’s always hot and I struggle not to sweat.  I’m not quite sure why I do that, sweating is natural but I try to find the coldest room in my house and just lie down. Sometimes when I’m in India I try to avoid India.  Everything tastes different in India.

The ice cream has this weird consistency.  I remember going to Carvel in Bangalore and eating ice cream that actually tasted like ice cream and feeling so excited.  My cousins were bewildered by the taste.  The “American” food is spicy and the Indian food is always fresher.

What I find so funny is that the morning the picture above was taken I was bitterly crying.  I was a sophomore in high school who was visiting India for only 2 weeks during my spring break.  AP Exams were coming fast so I was going through all of India and still doing homework from time to time.  My papers for studying had fallen from the truck of my car into a ditch and were almost ruined.  I was bitterly crying because my homework meant so much to me.  It was so stupid now that I look back at it.

We were staying with my great-uncle.  He was one of those people who seemed really hard and unapproachable but loving and like a teddy bear all at the same time.  He saw how upset I was and ironed out all my papers so that they were dry and almost as good as new.

That was the last memory I have of him, and can have of him.  Because he died before I could visit him again.  I think he’s what I’ll miss most.  If my mom gave him “american” money he always thought it was a big deal and kept it on display.  He loved us, he really did.  And I still don’t feel like he’s really gone.  Because dying doesn’t really mean someone isn’t there for you anymore.  They live on and on as long as you care enough to remember them.

I miss India because as angry as I felt at times, my aunt could always find a way to make me look at a situation in a completely different light.  I remember watching a podcast and hearing how a man was asked if he regretted studying physics in college now that he was doing business.  He said no because math has a way of teaching him to look at a problem and look at it from a completely new way and find a way to solve it.

That’s what my aunt did for me.  She would look at me and suddenly I felt so stupid for becoming angry at something small, she killed me with her kindness!  I was only 16 when I visited India but I remember telling my aunt that when I got married, if she couldn’t come to America I would get married there.  And I remember seeing her almost cry from joy.  She was happy that I still remembered her, how could I not?

I’ll always miss my family in India when I’m not with them, and my family and friends in America when I’m not them.  It reminds me of my grandma who always tells me that when she’s taking care of my cousins in India she misses me and my brother so much.  And when she’s with us, she misses my cousins so much.  All she really wants is for all of us to be with her together.