I grew up in a Christian family, in a Christian household being taught how to be a good Christian. The thing is the majority of my life was spent looking through this pin hole thinking I was seeing everything, but in reality I only saw this tiny distorted section of the whole picture. I saw my family and their devotion to God. I saw my church friends give everything and dedicating their lives to God. I was baptized with people I’ve known my entire life. And when I accepted God for the first time my closest friends and family were with me the entire time.
I outreached on campus because I was told to do it. I spoke about God when someone asked me about God. I was too busy living my life looking through this tiny hole where everyone I loved would be fine. And those who didn’t accept God were put to the back of my mind. I stuffed them there not wanting to imagine eternity without them.
Today I visited a Hindu temple for an anthropology project, I wanted to learn about an aspect of my culture I never experienced. Growing up as christian as well as Indian the majority of people I met in passing assumed I was Hindu, unaware that I knew little to nothing about Hinduism. What happened instead was this tiny hole through which I saw everything was broken open and my heart literally ached. I left the temple and I sobbed. Because if everything I was ever taught and believed was true then I would not meet everyone from that temple again one day in heaven. I just wouldn’t.
I wasn’t used to thinking like that.
My entire life my purpose was to be a good student, to be a supportive friend, to be a decent person. But as I continued to live my life looking through this tiny hole I was blinded to everything outside of my view.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to learn about an organization called, “The Price of Life” through”One cry”, it was there that I learned the first way I was blind. Today I learned the second way. First I was blind to the suffering of people who were sold into prostitution. I was blind to the suffering of people around me in my life imaging pain was entity of my own. That only I went through hardships. I was blinded by my selfishness. Conceding to myself that everyone else had it figured out and that everyone looked at all times as they appeared on the surface.
No one has it figured it. But everyone is so keen and so used to hiding that a mirage of perfection is easy to portray.
I realized today that I had it all wrong because yesterday I prayed that God would break my heart for those who didn’t know him. But as he did this very thing I wanted to beg him to stop. My idea of Christianity was asking things from God hoping he would not hear me. That was how things worked looking through this tiny hole. The hole was narrow and binding and… even inaccurate but this hole was comfortable. Everything I saw through it fit into what I wanted Christianity to really be, not what it actually is.
I’m writing this post right now because I feel like there most be other people out there like me. People who have been living their entire lives looking through this tiny hole thinking they have it all figured it. The thing is we don’t have it figured out, not even a little bit. God doesn’t call us to live our lives blindly. He is the light that shines in our darkness, he calls us to be free from all bondage.
We are called to love, to serve and to be uncomfortable. Today was the day I realized what this actually meant for the very first time.