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I was getting shake shack yesterday and took a picture of the look of raindrops from inside of a clear umbrella. Something about it is really beautiful.

 

When I first read that I would have to write about my first love, I thought that this was limited to “my first relationship”.  But it’s not because otherwise it would have said just that.  So today I want to tell you about the first thing I ever really did love, music.

Music was the first thing I ever loved but it was also the first thing I ever really hated.  When I was younger I remember going for song competitions at church and really hating it.  I want to clarify that there is a big difference between loving to do something and being good at something.  I am by no mean claiming to be a good singer, but I’ve always loved to sing.

How I started singing was really odd actually.  One day while I was preparing for competition, I chose my own song and when I sang it, I won first prize.  It was really odd because before that point I would get really excited to even get 3rd place and suddenly, I won.  I sang the song, “God so loved the world”, and from that point on, all I wanted to do was sing.

So I went to music class and even got vocal lessons and for a while I wanted to be defined by whether or not I could sing.  And I hated it.  I hated going for vocal lessons and having every note I sang being penalized.  I did sound really good, but I didn’t enjoy it anymore.

I hated going on stage to perform a song.  I almost always forgot the tune leaving me frazzled and embarrassed in front of an audience of people.  Because of this my hatred of singing and my hatred of music grew larger than my love of music.  And at one point in time I never wanted to sing again.

No one would really notice, except maybe the person sitting next to me in church.  But I stopped singing because I wanted to.   And I couldn’t really do this, at least for long.  I tried but when you’re surrounded by music how can you really not sing?

Because of this I missed music and suddenly singing again was really one of things that made me feel most happy in the entire world.  When I sing I can express feelings that I can’t just say out loud.  When I sing now, I don’t really care if I sound amazing or even out of tune.  I sing to lose my voice and I sing to cry.

Because music was the first thing I ever really hated, but it was also my first love.

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